Monster War.

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

haiz... hey... its mornin... hahahaha... later on i hav 2 meet fizah search for.... WORK!!! hahahaha... actuali i got a lot of 'lobang' but then not yet confirmed.... goin 2 airport... haha... try starbucks... hmmm.... well... e past days has been hmm... not much la... except tat from now on... my schedule will b packed like hell... hahaha... wEeeee.... !!!! found a lot of stuff to be done.... somehow or another... plan goin 2 work night shift... 7 to 7 seh... hahaha... then in e day, go skool or anythin la... work again also... hahaha... goin 2 work my butt off.... =p goin 2 vietnam soon n might possibly aceh... haiz... woah... a loottttoootototototototot of stuff 2 b done huh.... fadzillah dah GILE!!!! hehehehe.....

its ok la... i tink by makin myself tis bz n crazy, i can somehow dun tink abt him.... its like no chance or somehow... watevr la... hahaha... yesterday got to meet ana n dewi... hehe... long time nvr see them... then 2day im meetin fizah... wEeeee.... 3 of my 9 best frenz... hehehe.... =) went wit ana to ITE Simei for awhile.... help her appeal... hmmm.... then go tamp... then go dewi's house tumpang prayers... hmmm..... long time... then go zarian's house... hav business thingy.... hmmm.... any1 interested in makin it rich??? i noe it sounds corny but somehow it works... anythin juz ask me aight... =) ok la... i tink tats all for now... late already... tatataz pple... =)

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

it sunday... =p again... nvr go pergas... haiz... very tired seh... wan 2 sleep actuali but then cant... as usual... hehe... niwae well... im ready now 2 move on... take it as a lesson... =) oh ya... yesterday's econs paper was ok... i hav confident of passin... hehe... hope wont hav 2 fail lak... =p basically yesterday well... gues i took a risk... haha... asked him out for a movie... main purpose was well, 2 hav fun n juz enjoy ah... haha... well... after gettin e cd from zarian, i went out 2 eunos mrt 2 meet him... hmmm... waited for an hr... aiyoh... like gal seh... hehe... =p then went 2 orchard watch movie... eat2... then bla bla bla...

haha... actuali got la wat happen or watevr it is but... ive decided now 2 let go... haiz... though its reli hard but i tink tats e best thin... as ive said sooo many times b4, lets c wat happen... now im feelin reli good... hehe... somehow... now i have other stuff to concentrate on... its reli goin 2 b a tough time for me somehow tis holdiays... i can do it... i noe... all i need is e guidance from Allah n e pple tat He send to me... hey thanks a lot aight... u noe who u r... been helpin me since tat day until now... e 3hr talk on e fon wit ya reli had helped a lot... haha... my mind's more clearer now... haha... thankiez... =) hope u hav a good life aight...

niwae... well... basically my goal for now is juz live my life e way it was... im beginnin 2 find it back... serah kpd Allah... i thank Allah for givin me tis time whereby i go thru a lot of the tests tat He had given me... n here i m, still goin on strong somehow n not land in hougang chalet... haha... =p ok la... i tink i end here... hav 2 help my mom... kesian die... haiz... hope evrythin will go on ok... oh ya... now i no longer wan 2 listen to jiwang or pop or any song... haha... for now its only nasyid, rock or reggae or hip hop song without all those love crap... haha... i realised love is not worth it somehow... mayb not at tis age... as long as i hav e love from Allah, im fine... =) k la... adios peepz... =)

p.S. JEALOUSY is realllyyy a bloooody crap emotion... haha... 1st time i jealous... very funny... haha... not tis much ah... EeeEeee!!! =p dun evr experience it... i had n eEeee i hate feelin it... dun wan evr feel it nimore... hehe... dAngErrr..... =p

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

helllloooo... hehe... now im at business park canteen usin grace's laptop... haha... very nice ah... listenin to nasyid n evrythin... haiz... bliss... =) my mind is more at ease now... not exactly finish studyin but... hmmm... i tink im ok ah... can handle econs somehow... tawakal je la... hehe... now m wit aida, idayu, grace, adi n hendra... e old grp back together again for once... hehe... 2day is public holiday n can still b in skool studyin... haha... weird seh... niwae, it its weird tat well by 2moro, when e new sem starts, we will b yr 2... woah... haha... creepy seh...

i tink now im goin 2 go back e way i was 2 yrs ago... i tink its enough for the devil in me 2 b out... =p haha... gues u dun understand wat im talkin abt but.... yeah... all i can say is tat until now, my life was bleak... i was lost... but now thanks to Allah, He gav me e pple, e tests tat made me realised evrythin.... 2 go back to His way... im goin 2 try... i will... by tis time, i noe tat many changes r awaitin me.... n i noe tat it will benefit me in a way... all it needs is me 2 make it happen... i gues in a way, durin tis whole period of time, i dun wan 2 let go... but now, im lettin go.... all e tests, e cubaan tat ive been thru... i will take them wit a pinch of salt...

but all i can say is tat, there is one thin tat i will always cherish... its e time when we met... when we were 2gether... even though we r not 2gether anymore, i thank Allah tat i've met u... at least out of all e cobaan tat i went thru, u r e one special thin tat happen 2 me thru it all... i apologise if in e future i will b gone... somehow... i will b bz... tats e one thin tat im scared abt... bein bz again n 4got abt u... well actuali, scared tat i will no longer exist in ur life... i juz wan u 2 noe tat despite our differences n evrythin, u will always b some1 special 2 me... im sorry tat i wasnt e gal for u... lets juz see wat will happen k... now u go on n enjoy wit ur frenz... hope u will get better... =)

haiz... there i go again... haha.. actuali i wan 2 post abt tis blog tat my fren found... talk abt Islam n all... abt e TSUNAMI where u can see ALLAH on e waves..http://enggo.blogspot.com/... here u can take a look abt wat happen n all... i also hav put it inside my ISLAMIC LINKZ... haiz... i gues tats all... i hav 2 start studyin already... hope i can do it... insyaallah...

p.S. hey feez... thanks 4 comin back.... haha... thought u hav 4gotten u hav a fren named fadzillah... =p haha... niwae, ya... hope we wont lose contact again... i will tell u wats goin on b4 u reli made raizerl angry... haha... =p i miss talkin 2 u la... all ur lame crap... haha... DM².... hehe... well adios pple... have a hapi life aight... =)

aSsaLamuaLaiKum.... =)

hey pple who come to my blog... =) thanks for comin n taggin aight... im reli sori if my blog is one heck of a borin blog... always talkin abt... u noe i noe la... hehe... juz tat i guess tis is e phase i hav 2 go thru... hehe... well... nowadays ive been bloggin in e mornin... coz come home tired... haiz.. tis past week always i emphasised on studyin... haiz... last paper 2moro... then... FREEDOM!!! haha... almost ah... coz im juz scared i hav 2 take supp paper... =p now im actuali goin 2 finish tis post n then... go STUDY!!! haha... wit adi, dayu all... as usual...

hmm... on wed basically, i carry on studyin at skool after bloggin... can say tat i didnt sleep a wink for a whole day... was on natural high... =p haha... cldnt sleep... hav 2 many thoughts in my mind... haiz... how i wish some1 cld take my brain out... when i came back from studyin on wed, wat i did was i took 5 pills... 2 for migraine, 2 for aches n pains n another is a sleepin pill... woah... lots huh... hehe... well... at least it did e trick... i was able 2 sleep undisturbed like for.... 7 hrs... haiz... then i had 2 wake up la coz need 2 study again in e mornin... =p

yesterday basically studied econs wit adi n dayu... it was ok... had 2 go off early coz zarian asked me 2 a business preview at novena... when i was outside waitin for adi, ran into faris... hmm.... wat he tell me is tat he found me interestin coz he nvr see some1 who actuali has a million thoughts runnin thru her mind in juz a short time... i tink tats wat he say la... e bottom line is tat he tryin 2 say tat im.... hahaha.. nothin la... juz tat weird la u... u havent met evry1 yet in e world... haha... its reli a bad thing to think too much.... haiz.... my appetite is affected again... im soooo totally exhausted but i cant sleep or rest.... haiz...

i tink on average, tis week i slept abt 20 hrs or so for e rest of e week.... mayb lesser... haiz... i wan 2 hav a full sleep... please.... make me stop thinkin abt him.... make me stop thinkin of wats goin 2 happen tis comin week... make me stop thinkin... period... haiz... oh ya... i actuali feel sad tat apek didnt acknowledge me tat day... coz he was wit his gf... haiz... not even hello... haiz... wat kind of best fren is this le... =p haiz... now i hav in total 9 best frenz... tis 9, im not goin 2 forget them... u guys will always have a special place in my heart... =) thanks a lot for helpin me... esp to 1 who has been helpin me tis past few weeks of my bloody misery... hehehe... =p

now its time for me to move on... go on... haiz... though im reli scared 2... but... as long as i hav Allah by my side, insyaallah i can do it... it reli pains me 2 let u go... u r e one tat i love but... i apologise for makin ur life more stressful... ive decided 2 lay low.... let u go on wit ur life wit ur frenz... watevr happens, u will always have a special place in my heart... tats a promise... =) ok la... i tink i hav 2 go... later adi scold me... hehe... =p tatataz.... love u guys... hehe... dah mabuk agaknye si fadzillah ni... =p

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

haiz... juz came back from overnite studyin at aiport wit him n his frenz... haiz... then see my fon bill oledi come... haiya... luckily its a bit lesser than e previous month... haiz... now i cant get to sleep... i dunno y ah... haiz.... yesterday after accounts paper, went off wit raquel... supposedly wan 2 go tamp walk2... then saj call... haiya... haha... so both me n raquel go n teman her eat lo... after tat we walked at bedok reservoir... sekali met wit apek... was smokin wit his grp of frenz... tegur him 4 awhile... sayin he action lo... haha... then walk a few metres, met up wit azmi... haha... waliao... wat luck... runnin into both my best frenz at e same place... both got a scoldin from me... nvr keep in contact... hmppph!!! haha... no la... oh well... so finally we all went home... my 1st time in yrs i came home arnd 1 plus... haha... felt a bit weird... slept for awhile...

woke up arnd 7... waited for his msg... was quite worried coz i scared tat he doesnt wan me 2 kacau him or somethin... then while i was prayin, he msged me... hehe... wEeeee!!! =) he dun mind me goin study wit him n his frenz... tis might possibly e last nite can spend studyin... basically there, didnt study much coz my paper is on sat n i was distracted by taiti... haha... was ok ah... kinda enjoyed myself wit them... crackin up jokes n all... i was laughin all e while... gues tats y im not sleepy... even now... can still tahan abt 7 hrs more... some more now... haiz... mixed feelings... seriously....

feelin sooo restless now... haiz... dunno who to talk to with... i wan 2 let my hair down somehow 2day... enjoy!!! hahaha... but i dunno wit who n do wat... =p haha... wan 2 go out wit him... juz enjoy ourselves but... well... i tink tat somehow he still tinks tat im juz borin... or somethin wrong wit me... haiz... ive let myself fall sooo deep tat i dunno how 2 get out of it... e only way for me to get back is for him 2 giv me back my heart... haiz... coz, well... i noe he wont need my love... i dunno.. im juz soOoo confused.... dunno wat is he feelin now... n wat abt tat gal... haiz... wat can i do... wat must i do.... i myself now dunno whether wan or not 2 go australia... one factor is e money... i dun hav enough cash... but tat i cld take on 2 jobs durin e holidays... e other... haiz... how can i say tis... i wan 2 spend more time wit him... i dunno... at least, tryin 2 his close fren somehow... then lets juz c from there...

haiz... now im juz waitin for some1 2 say tat they can go out wit me... haha... damn bored... dun tink i can sleep niwae... thinkin juz 2 much.... feelin sooo bad of myself... hate tat im feelin jealous... nvr in my life hav i let jealousy interfere wit my life... even though i had felt jealousy b4, it is not as tis bad... n i reli hate it... Allah... pls show me the truth n help me wit tis... giv me strength... can i dun feel for awhile??? pls... haiz...

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

haiz... penat2... haha... woah... already goin 2 b tuesday 2molo... juz now had my bus stats paper... all i can say is tat im SOOOO relieved its done wit... mayb now im juz goin 2 prepare for supp paper... =p didnt hav time 2 check n finish it sooooo.... yeah... haha... die2... hmm... oh ya... basically on sunday kan, i fell sick seh... =p but... force myslef go skool 2 study wit adi n idayu.... had 2... since my bus stats reli not good... haha... k la... stayed at skool until 9 plus like tat... went eat... then go home...

tis mornin woke up very e tired... felt like dun wan 2 go to skool n do e paper but... crazy ah... must go la... =p so there i was.... comin 2 skool... revise a bit wit them all... then... in i go 2 e sports hall... haiz... thought it was quite ok... it was ok ah e paper but... i spent 2 much time on tis 1 question tat i didnt hav time... haiz... oh well.. no use 2 sigh abt it... rice has already bcome porridge... =p had e australia trip briefin after e paper... haiz... wanted 2 go... but then i found out tat my edusave account wasnt enough 2 pay for it... haiz... i asked idayu along though...

was in a fix for awhile... thinkin where m i goin 2 get tat kind of money... i prob need arnd a thousand plus more... haiz... then hmm... i think again... i wld search for a job.... not one... but two... goin 2 work like crazy since some more i hav no life as it is... =p goin 2 focus.... haiz... actuali b4 tat i was in a dilemma whether 2 go or not e australia trip... haiz... firstly coz... i wanted 2 spend time wit... haiz... gues juz wan 2 try n noe each other more mayb... if possible... n also, i hav lots of stuff 2 b done durin tis holidays... ccas... work... haiz...

studied at skool for accounts till e library closes... not exactly much i studied... haha... =p now juz reli tired... haiz... i've no idea wats goin 2 go on 2moro mornin for my paper... white flag... haha... juz c wat happens ah... haiz... i dunno how m i goin thru wat ive planned for myself ahead, but i noe tat i can... i dun need much sleep anyhow... i can still go on... insyaallah... my appetite n sleep is comin back bit by bit... though now im already sick but... its ok... juz a normal thing to me... oh well... i gues i better go now... goin 2 get some study somehow... haha... juz hope tat i can go on wit tis life wit a strong iman... insyaallah...

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

woah... it has been like a whirlwind time for me... somehow like tat ah... rite now basically im feelin sooooo e tired... my eyes r droopin... my brains not functionin... hahaha... but i noe i can do it... i can finish tis post... haha.. =p well... as ive stated b4, i was supposed 2 overnite at airport 2 study... after got a scoldin from aida, she told me tat she saw rufi at e library sooo there i was findin rufi... turns out she say it was ok... sooo... after tat continued studyin wit adi until farhana came...

from there we went 2 my house... haiz... finally talked to my mom... was a relief... from there, i followed farhana 2 meet her fren... then we proceed 2 e airport... hmm..... i was feelin quite free... hmmm... like very relief.... hehe.... was in high spirits when reached... felt so bad coz made fi wait... sooowwiieee.... =( then well sat down wit him n his frenz.... well... when we were juz talkin n all, in came raizerl stompin 2wards fi, takin her away... haiz... from there evrythin kinda turned out e way we nvr expected it wld... haiz... thanks farhana for helpin...

basically at last, farhana n fi had 2 go off... left me wit him n his frenz... haiz... wasnt in a good mood somehow... dazed.... hmm.... but then was ok after hearin him n his frenz jokin arnd... haha... laugh n laugh... didnt reli studied much... haha... though i read thru e theory part... hmm... stayed there until arnd 8 or 9 plus... i was already 1/3 asleep... haha... coz well... i didnt hav much sleep n also at 1, i had 2 go to mendaki for project Zip! gatherin... so... there we all were... still at airport... hmm... it was sweet of him.... then we all went home....

so... reached my house arnd 10 n slept... woke up at 1... wit a very HEAVY head n TIRED body... haha... =p wanted 2 sleep back but... forced myself coz well, i already promised saqinah tat i'll b comin 2 help... luckily i managed 2 come in time for the trial run of e event... i bcame e usher... well, one of them ah... basically my job is 2 usher e guests to e hall... duh... =p haha... e event went off smoothly... basically e only ikhwan members tat was involved r mostly e gals n.... mokhsin... haha... basically e pple tat i always see arnd r there... like e nyp students tat we always collaborated wit... i didnt hav 2 do anythin much there soo i was quite bored n dunno y suddenly missed him... haiz... sent him tis forwarded msg tat i took from aida... then he reply very weird seh... ish... =p

asked him out actuali juz 2 go jln2 or somethin but then he said tat he wanted 2 sleep coz he was tired.... oooh okie... was a bit disappointed... then like an hr later, i was feelin thankful tat he didnt accept 2 go out wit me... coz i was already flat out bhin e stage area where there is tis room... felt sooo tired n sleepy... cldnt face e crowd... was dizzy... soo... i lie down in e room... woah... alhamdulillah... ade hikmah nye... the event finally ended for e officials arnd 10 like tat... there was debriefin n evrythin... it was ok n fun... made new frenz...

so here i m... actuali i slept for awhile n woke up again juz 2 finish tis post... hahaha... mati2... =p goin 2 study wit adi n farhana 2moro... hav 2 sleep now if i wan 2 make it for pergas in e mornin... bus stats paper on monday... pls Allah... let me go thru it without any complications... a fren of mine actuali told me 2 juz 4get abt him in msn... i cldnt... somehow... i dunno... it is complicated... it truly is... mayb i will find it out soon... well.. gotta go... have a nice day pple who come 2 my blog... =)

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

hmmm... k la... 4 days since ive updated... lots has happened... i mean lots... like so very e malas wan 2 update... all i can say is tat now im reli tired... tis past few weeks, ive gain a fren... well... two exactly... one who has done a lot for me n other pple... i reli m thankful for tat person... hope u will b blessed forever by Allah... well... e other hav 2 b...... haiz... hard 2 explain ah... all i can say is tat well... i still do hav feelings for him... i noe2... he has given me lots of reasons as 2 y he broke up wit me... haiz... it has 2 b stupid for me rite... still holdin on 2 a thin thread... but somehow, i cant stop hopin... haiz... gues its natural ah... haiz... cant stop sighin...

hav been spending my days in skool n my nites at e aiport... study study study... tats wat ive been doin... n i still hav 2 subjects 2 go... =p didnt study 2day coz im sooo tired though actuali i cld hav overnite 2day but well, no1 cld go wit me thus i didnt go... haiz.... has been quite a lot 2 take in at once... been studyin wit adi also... haha... ok la... reli cant wait for e exams to b over... then can start work... then go vietnam... haha... can relax i gues somehow... no skool... alamak... but still i tink im goin 2 b bz wit my ccas n cds... haiz...

well... im goin 2 change my blogskin coz well, i tink tat tis skin is no longer applicable to me... hav 2 tink positive... hav 2 b strong... hav 2 juz accept... haiz... im tryin... i juz hope i can make it.... haiz... how m i goin 2 tell him tat i reli miss him though we had been studyin 2gether... will he understand wat i mean... but i noe tat well... haiz... i dunno.... would he actuali wan me back after all hes e one who asked for it... haiz... haiz... haiz... some1 pls take out my heart... oh i forgot... i already gave it away....

k la... i tink i juz end here... goin 2 study wit adi in e mornin then at nite mught possibly overnite wit rufi... i hope... haiz... hafeez now so sombong already... dun wan even wan 2 join us no more... =( haiz... ok la... niwae... HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY FEEZ!!! =) good luck 2 u aight...

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

hmm... well... 2day is SUNDAY!!! big whoooop... =p haha... went for pergas... haha... 1st time i come consecutively u noe... =p at least good ah... i like e tajwid period... always missed e arab periods... hehe... coz im sooooo bhind of wat hes teachin.... luckily got waheedah as my fren though inside e class got my other frenz but they r guys... imran, azman, syed, lukman... so... lucky for me got gal fren also... ok... basically 2day juz went 2 pergas... go home... juz relax2... slept for awhile... my appetite n sleep is improvin... somehow... a bit...

k... basically yesterday as i had said b4, went to study wit dayu... n adi also... when meetin dayu, i was like in a dazed mood... haiz... well... talked wit dayu reli helps... make me strong somehow... at least e sadness faded... n i was laughin again... =) spent like 2 hrs talkin... haha... talked abt y guys r like tat... y is evrythin like tis n tat so when adi came, he was attacked by us... hahaha... no la... was juz basically crappin... n then like abt 5 plus, e library was closin so we moved near e admin blk.... havent quite started studyin as yet... i went home 4 awhile 2 take rufi's notes for saj... went back 2 skool like arnd 6 plus... then straight away studied bus stats...

was fun studyin wit dayu n adi... has been a long time... soo... reli concentrate ah... dayu went off first... so only left me n adi... there was like a gig or somethin at tp... very noisy... =p well... both of us were concentratin until..... realised tat it was already late..... it was quiet ah... all e pple went home already... haha... talked on e fon wit feez... like abt an hr... but his ans always e same... =p ish2... then there were always dogs barkin ah... very noisy... quite eerie... but its ok... we were chased out by e security guard at last arnd 11 plus... haha... then... realised tat adi already missed his last bus... haha... for me was ok... coz i got a lot of buses... well... eventually, adi belanja take taxi... haha... thanks a lot... was sweet of u...

well... so reached home early... then talked on e fon... haha... quite nice... at least helped me... somehow or another... yeah... realised somethin 2day ah... haiz... i gues i tink i wld try again... somehow... haiz... but i dunno... wld he actuali wan me back...? i dunno... pple say... haiz... i dunno ah... now im juz confused... again... goin 2 focus on my studies now... but after exams, im not sure how i m goin 2 b.... haiz... well... goin 2 b strong... goin 2... hehe... oh well... k la... 2moro got lecture... haiz.... tataz... =p

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

hmm... haha... well... where do i start...??? hmmm.... 2 many things had happened in juz one day... sooo many emotions have been let out in juz one night... woah... how interesting... ok... yesterday was reli somethin 2 b remembered... haha... n now im supposed 2 b in class but haha... si saj tu ah... i actuali woke up early n she told me tat she hav her break from 10 to 1 n... she told me not 2 go to class... waliao... my last tutorial seh... i hope my teacher wont kill me... =p haha... well... then after i let saj talk me into not goin for my tutorial since she say tat shes goin 2 buy me lunch... hehe... went 2 breadboard... well... was a coincidence to meet him n his fren... haiz... k k... must talk abt yesterday then understand... haha... but i gues now all ok... lets start at e beginnin i guess...

had bought a skirt on wed 2 wear for yesterday's meetin... came 2 skool at 9... rehearse meetin... wore formal... blazer some more... haha... then went for e meetin... my teacher was quite surprised tat i was to b e 'Chinese advisor'... haha... she was impressed by me at last... then mayb can get A-... wooopeee... =) after tat while waitin for him n his frenz, went to study wit muhammad, haikal n razali... had psycho test... at 1, met them... ate wit them outside skool... bla bla bla... then after 2 hrs.. go back 2 skool... had 2 meet aida n all... haiz... arnd tis time already i start bcome crazy... =p cldnt concentrate on my psycho test... luckily its not tat hard... after tat had rock climbin meetin at 6... it was quite borin ah coz it is choosing the new committee n all... after abt 2 hrs inside, bcome bit claustrophobic... restless... went out... talk wit zarian... haiz... after tat... well... got to noe somethin... made me realise...

was a wreck... luckily got some of my frenz to actuali help me get it back all together... then... i wan 2 meet him... i have 2... b4 im scared to... sooo... asked him 2 meet n talk... bla bla bla... haha... sooo many things ah happen... oh ya... i feel so bad for fattah coz he waited for me... haiz... thanks a lot... haha... he say he help me wit my prob 1st then i was 2 help him wit his... haha... k k ... my mum start memekak also coz she saw me wit fattah under my block... we talkin la... =p k... talk talk talk.... tension tension tension... stress stress stress.... sad.... hurt... gerAM!!! haha... tat was wat happen ah... at last... hapi... =p haha... somehow la... k la... its over la... 2 mths got attached, n broke it off... hmmm... how interestin... well... i guess now we r juz frenz...

haha... i had 2 tell my mum what i was doin yesterday coz i went home late... she say tat guys r always like tat... she say she got xperience so she noe... haha... aiyoh... pelik la mother... =p my sisters all so kepo... haha.... i dunno wats goin 2 happen ah now... im tryin 2 focus on my studies now since exams r comin... then can focus on work... then volunteer again... somehow... coz all i noe tat from now on whether i like it or not, i hav 2 focus on studies, work, my family, frenz, rock climbin n if i can volunteer again... woah....

haha... back to singledom... woooopppeee.... hmmm... wooooppppeee eh??? not sure ah... like feel weird now... ala.. i gues it takes time... =p but somehow i dunno ah now... im not sleepin well... eatin well... like loss of appetite n sleep... haha... very funny ah... i also dunno y... oh well... im forever weird... oh ya n forever one-sided... so... yeah... thanks for pointin out... =p haha... ala... tats y la... i dun wan get attached... i noe la tis will happen somehow... mayb im juz 2 weird.. or watevr it is... well... i tink i hav 2 end here... hav 2 go off for comm skills... only half n hr... wasted come 2 skool for half n hr only... ape la saj... =p then later hav 2 go joggin wit her... haha... its ok la... i guess i later go n study while waitin for her 2 end skool... =p k la... adios amigos... fadzillah is back toooooooo.... haha... i duno la... crazy already... tataz... =p

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

haiz... feelin quite sad now i gues... waitin n waitin... but nothin... supposed 2 sleep by now coz i hav 2 reach skool by 8.30 to meet up wit my comm skills grp but... haiz... my heart n mind juz cant switch off yet... im tired... exhausted n sleepy but... i cant sleep yet... well... yesterday met up wit him... to talk... haiz... i dunno ah... juz feel... haiz... i also dunno how 2 explain... oh ya... met amin also... terserempak... haha... finally talk 2 him... =p haiz... i juz cant stop sighin... oh ya... my dad finally came home yesterday... finally... i was pissed off at him... now too but im juz too tired to b pissed off anymore... let him b wat he wan it 2 b...

2day juz basically spent e day wit my comm skills grp coz we were preparin for the script for the meetin 2moro... haiz... juz 1 more test n 1 more 'project' to go... then its EXAM TIME!!! ARGH!!! my coursework all sucks... most disappointin is my accounts... haiz... juz manage to get a C+... die die... n tats my only 'best' subject... well... then after skool, thought of goin 2 rock after meetin up wit my comm skills grp but well... i was plannin 2 wear skirt 2moro... so i went off to tamp to buy wit saj... haha... wan 2 try out only... well... haiz... thought mayb cld meet him 2moro... at least u noe since i cant spend time wit him alone, i dun mind spendin time wit him n his frenz too... haiz...

im juz wonderin reli... wat is it abt me tat no guy can actuali hold on or even wan 2 hold on to...? haiz... k la... i tink its useless to ask tat... no1 can ans i gues... haiz... yesterday i was tryin 2 4get everythin... was hyper n crazy n all... but then suddenly, i was feelin damn sad... cldnt hold it anymore... cried awhile and talk a bit wit julie... reli helps i gues... i gues i was juz scared of e outcome wat it will happen after we talk... haiz...

i dunno... i reli dunno... its like i reli dunno wat else to do anymore... it reli hurts... y do i hav 2 fall in love wit some1 who isnt even sure of whether he does love me... but i gues i cant say anythin anymore... it already happens... do u noe tat im like livin in fear... fear of losin him... fear tat he will msged me n ask tat he reli wans 2 break up... fear tat all i did was all to waste... fear tat he is holdin on to me out of pity... someone would like to come n take out my heart? please... but i tink its already broken to a million pieces... somehow... ala... haiz... dah start gile ah ni... k la.. i tink i better go n sleep... juz hav 2 tink of Allah... n im sure i'll b fine... =) tataz...

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

woah... tis is e 3rd time i post... =p oh man... reli weird... mornin... afternoon n nite... haha... boleh tahan... well, now im juz tired from rock climbin... it was reli a tirin trainin... was reli a bad time for me coz i didnt eat 2day plus i didnt get enough sleep thus, my performance was reli bad... had 2 do 3 sets of endurance trainin... climb... then do push ups plus jumping jacks plus dips... woah... tirin like mad seh... my hands cldnt handle it anymore... exhausted... was reli upset abt my bad performance...

then got briefin... woah... now hav 2 commit 2 rock already... coz, it seems tat evry1s attendance isnt regular thus it might end up in e closure of the club... haiz... i gues seriously tis few weeks are the times tat evry1 is busy wit projects regardless of the schools... since tp is shortenin e academic yr, tis means tat we hav 2 do up evrythin in record time... thus... e busy... haiz... yeah... i understand wat most of them r goin thru... im juz reli glad tat nmm is over... now all i hav 2 do is worry abt e meetin tat is supposed 2 b re-enact in class for comm skills... haiz... blooody blooody... hav 2 wear formal... as usual... hmm... wan 2 wear skirt or pants??? haha... then some more on tat same day i hav my psycho test... haiz... oh ya n also e compulsory rock meetin also... wan 2 choose a new committee... well... im sure rufi will get nominated... =)

hmm... ya well... actuali juz now after lab, i was like sooooooOooo oooooohhh e bloody bored... was supposed 2 meet saj after my lab... but... she nvr replied... so i waited n waited... went n pray... was alone ah... haiz... then msged firdauz... tellin him im bored... haha... also got msged him... haiz... well then, like for 1 hr, i was walkin arnd skool like a crazy person... no1 2 talk wit... was in my hyper mood.... bit crazy... need some companion but... well... wld b cool if i get to meet him... talk2 or somethin... but... well, i dun wan 2 ask nimore... scared 2... coz it will b e same ans... haiz... sooo then thought of juz goin 2 rock a bit earlier... went there but... uhm... nah... e pple there also like well, im not tat close ah... so i juz went to ITAS hopin 2 bump into saj... at least got some1 2 talk to ah... but... well... she wanted 2 go eat wit her fren... haiz... oh well...

sooo... yeah... didnt wan 2 go rock... well... not yet... coz it was still early n e freshies havent arrived yet.... juz sat there at e table overlookin mushroom... juz sat there while msgin dawi... haiz... while i was juz sittin there, suddenly firdauz came out of nowhere... haha... i was soo hapi 2 get a fren.... haha... talk2 for awhile... it seems tat he was waitin 4 him n i was waitin for a sign... juz anythin tat can happen ah.... oh... haiz... then he came... so firdauz had 2 go off so i also went 2 rock... haiz... how odd... meetin him twice 2day but nvr talk... haiz...

after rock, went wit idris, fariz, nadiah n fattah to bubble tea as usual... didnt talk much... coz i suddenly felt sad... thinkin abt him... n thus i msged him... but well... haiz... gues he wasnt tat hapi or cared tat i msged him from his replies... haiz... didnt buy any bubble tea coz i had no money... i didnt wan 2 ask them 4 money... only fattah noe y i didnt buy... well... at least i manage 2 get rid some of e sadness... somehow... luckily i had fattah to talk wit n who walked me home... we juz sat under my blk while hes waitin 4 his bus... talk n talk... coz i juz asked him abt tis relationship stuff n all... it turns out tat both of us r in a similar kind of situation...

however is juz tat im in his galfren situation n him in my boyfren situation... somehow we r tryin 2 relate to it... both of us gave each other advice... both tryin 2 apply on e situation... haiz... was reli quite nice talkin 2 him... at least well, wat he said has its point... cant bliv tat tis guy who ive known for so long but nvr talked 2 him b4 wld actuali help me in tryin 2 tink straight abt tis matter... haha... he was surprised i tink tat tis is my 1st relationship... haha... weird la u...

well... im leavin evrythin 2 Allah... if hes my jodoh, well... then we'll see... but somehow, when a gal says tat she loves u, she reli means it... get tat 2 ur mind... coz when guys say i love u, it is juz e sake of sayin... well... yeah... so, i dunno wat do u wan.... i dunno y is it like tis... i juz hope somehow it cld work out... coz, im willin 2 take a chance.... if u reli sincere abt me...

there r some questions tat i wan 2 clarify.... is it true tat the reason y most guys rushed into a relationship is bcoz they dun wan e gal 2 run away.... thus they start sayin tat they love her n all but... as time goes by, when he got to noe her better n found out tat shes not wat u wan, u leave her... haiz... i juz hope tat pls... guys... dun say things tat u dun mean... it makes a situation more worser... b sincere n honest... haiz... i gues tats all... better get 2 sleep... goin 2 meet fizah 2moro afternoon... then saj... hav 2 study... yeah... must sleep oledi... haha... tataz... =p
p.S. oh ya... dark rage... HAPPY BDAY AIGHT!!! thanks for taggin... =)

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

hmm... 2 times i post... =p haha... juz bored now ah... was in a 'adrenaline-auto pilot-stressed up' condition... haha... lab finished liao... juz now rushed 2 skool 2 do my project... aiyah... stressed up... came nearin 1 like tat... then, while i was walkin up e bridge, saw firdauz walkin down... then... tititititiiiittttttttttttt.... haha... guarantee hes there ah... haiz... smiled at firdauz... tried 2 ctach his eye but... i dunno la... then i literally ran 2 e business lab... haha... =p

totally freaked out coz i dunno how 2 do e image thingy... poor aszad... he had 2 b e 1 helpin me n all... hehe... niwae juz thankful tat u helped... =) after much stressin n freakin out of the damn project, i went to rush to bind... luckily got apek wit me... haha.. after tat we juz sat down for awhile n... arGHHHH!!! i was totally hyper wit him... crazy... like seriously... haha... talk2... all tat... been quite some time and yeah... told him evrythin tats goin on in my life... sat near ITAS there... saw feez goin 2 pray... he waved but, i juz turned my head... haha... sori ah feez... was in hyper mood... then like u not layan me also... =p haha... after tat... RUSH 2 LAB!~~

n here i m now.... actuali can go off but... want 2 post 1st since got time... 1 more project 2 go... 1 more test to go... until e exams... WOOOPPPeEEEE!!! hehe... cant wait for the holidays... TP sucks... =p haha... watevr la... goin 2 meet up saj after tis to take my blazer... =p haiz... i juz hope tat evrythin can b ok somehow wit me n him... haiz... k la... tataz... =p

aSsaLamuaLaiKum...

oh man oh man oh man.. oh MON DIEU! haha... dah ikut feez lak... hmm... haiz... dah lame tak bual ngan bdk tu... slalu bz je... =p haha... oh well.. oh ya... oh man oh man oh man... ok... evrythin now is like soooo not goin e way i had planned... supposed 2 b at accounts revision lecture now but... aRGH!!!! NMM!!!! hav 2 wait for it to upload... haiz... i dunno la how now... supposed 2 upload it at 12 midnite yesterday n.... 9am 2day!!!! n now its already nearin 12... haiz... i m sooooOooo e very dead... i hope can upload ah... kalo tidak... haiz... mati mati... 70% seh... =p

y did i finish it so late huh... well... cite nye begini... guess i was confident tat i cld finish it in 1 day coz it was easy ah... juz had 2 do up 10 more pages... but.... oooooh... somethin happened ah... besides tat i was unable to think up of new designs to put up into my website, well... he popped up e question... not the 'will u marry me?' question la... but... e opposite... u noe i noe ah... =p haiz... was taken aback... had a bit of an emotional overdrive thingy 4 awhile... chat wit idris n zarian abt it n well, it helps... somehow... at least can la... talked wit saj... cried a bit... then... ok la... haiz... i dun usuali cry la but then bcoz also i was in a sad mood b4 tat coz my mum was cryin coz of my dad n well, which daughter or son tat wouldnt feel their mother's pain... haiz... i didnt gave him e ans of coz... msged him back tellin him tat it was not an appropriate time... haiz...

i dunno ah... mayb yeah... i understand tat tis week plus tis comin week is very stressful for evry1 esp tp students... exams are comin in like TWO WEEKS!!! ARGH!!! e bloody thing still cant be uploaded... man.. im sooo dead.... im sooo sleeppy... tireDDdd.... aRGH!!!!! oh ya... i hav 2 mention tis ah tat well, hey thanks aight firdauz... i noe u say dun write tis in my blog but... haha... was nice chattin wit ya ah... though next time, tell me earlier u wan sleep k... =p haha... well... now i reli need 2 rush 2 skool... hav 2 try upload it there... need to do my documentation crap some more... argh!!! hav 2 burn it to cd... haiz... oh ya... finally 2day must go 2 rock climbing... dah kene sound... haiz... faham2 la... i cant go now... haiz..oh well... dah la.. stop la... reli hav 2 rush already.... im soooo dead....

aSsaLamuaLaiKum....

finally... i changed my layout... well... its only temporary coz well, i prefer my previous layout... so soothing... but well, my life is now quite confusing... thus, e layout i guess.... following my mood now.... though i tried to avoid tis kind of layout... haiz... 2day i juz sit at home... tried 2 do my project but... like very lazy seh... haiz... stupid nmm... must upload it 2moro... =p im out of ideas for my website ah... dunno wat else to put... haiz....

life is still the same... actuali might possibly getting worser and worser... i noe i noe... i hav 2 find a job but not now... i cant do tat coz exams r comin like in... 16 DAYS!!! oh mon diEu... haiz... n some more 1st paper is bus stats... well, one good news is tat i didnt fail my coursework... e teacher told me tat she helped me 2 pass it... n then she warn me 2 do better in my exams... yes MDM... =p warn me to go for the remedial lecture... yeah2... im goin la... =p haha... well at least somethin turn out rite... =p haiz... feelin so tired... im gettin sick... haiz... i feel guilty for not goin for erwan's bro's weddin... haiz... sori eh wan... i dun feel like goin out 2day...

haiz... though now i crave for a fren... u noe... some1 to talk wit... crap wit... hear n not justify wat i hav 2 say but... i dunno who to approach... n some more they r bz... haiz... now, im not sure wats goin on... my lovelife 4evr suck ah... haiz... tis is e reason y i dun wan 2 b in a relationship... haiz... one sided again... always me... why why??? i shldve known tat it was 2 good to be true when some1 tell me tat he loves me... y do i still fall for it... now im e one who has fallen in deep n u wan 2 get out... haiz... why why cant i hav some1 who reli loves me... who understands me e way i m... who reli cares for me... haiz... haha... stupid of me... as usual... no1 can stand me ah... i m tat bad...

tis is such a bad time for me to be in tis kind of state... tis kind of situation... wit exams comin up... my dad still hasnt come home as usual... haiz... i reli pity my mum... hes e perfect example y i dun wish 2 get married... haiz... guys put their frenz first rather than family or loved ones... haiz... im feelin so alone... so tired... i dunno... i reli dunno... who would actuali b willing to help me... any1 out there??? haiz... though i hav lots of frenz n some who i considered my best frenz, i dunno wat i reli mean 2 them... i shldnt expect anythin coz well... who m i to mean anythin 2 them... haiz...

im scared... scared of losin u... if u had wanted 2 get rid of me, pls dun say tat u love me b4... u r contradictin urself... its juz infatuation... dun make me fall in deep until i dunno how 2 get back the way i m... i had fallen once... then i made myself to fall again coz i thought tat u r reli serious abt it... but... i dunno... i reli dunno... im sori tat i add on 2 ur list of commitments... tis is reli not the best time for tis to happen... soo many things happen in such a short time... i almost broke... broke i tell u... haiz... my brain's dead... my heart.... tawar.... wat do i mean to u... do i actuali mean somethin to u... will anyone care if i actuali died? can i pls dun exist in tis world?

i have 2 b strong... strong for my family... but... can i maintain it...??? oh Allah... pls give me strength...

aSsaLaMuaLaiKum....

haiz... now well... haiz... i can only sigh as much... dunno wat else to feel... so many emotions goin thru me but... i hold it all back and juz well, be tis way... sighin the whole time... felt so angry yesterday nite when i came home... coz, as usual my dad didnt come home but a LONG TIME bill was on the table. it was from Singtel but then it was posted usin the lawyers name. wat i mean is that Singtel would try n do somethin legal against us... ie. go to court... haiz...

all day long i have been tryin 2 put up at least a brave front to everyone. tried to concentrate on my studies. tried to forget abt e problems n everythin. well, i had succeeded... kinda... but in the end unfortunately, the 'emotion' came out at e end of e day. luckily i didnt hang out wit any of my frenz 2day... coz they were all bz... haiz... i dun blame them. who can i call... who can i tell... who can understand... i feel guilty to tell pple abt my problems coz its a burden... n well, i tried tellin some of my frenz but... well the response i get was tat they noe wat i feel... tat they r goin thru e same thin or somethin like tat n somehow, i feel tat my problems r not relevant anymore n i stop tellin n juz listen to theirs... however, i reli feel tat somehow, things are getting worser in my life. im bein tested i guess by Allah... haiz...

sometimes i feel like cryin... sometimes i feel nothing... sometimes, i juz feel... tat im useless n worthless... haiz... e signs of depression huh... =p but mostly, i juz feel... tawar hati... dunno how 2 describe it in english but i can only describe in malay... haiz... like the feel that my heart feels nothing... tat i understand evrythin tat is goin on... its like a war inside me... tug of war more likely... to b sad or not... to b happy or not... to b angry or not... until i dunno wat else to feel...

i m tryin 2 b strong... tryin reli hard... i reli thank Allah for the strength that He hav given me... i gues, i juz wan some1 2 listen without justifyin wat i say... coz, i noe... juz wan 2 get out all e negativity n mayb somehow a little sympathy might b ok... only 4 a little while... i cant ask... i dunno y... whenevr i hav problems, i dunno who to turn to except for Allah... though it wld b nice to have some1 to turn to but, i guess im not tat lucky...

i tink tats all i can say for now... i juz hope that i cld go thru tis... go back to my life... take control of e situation... but somehow... it feels sad to b alone... oh well... i gues tats fine... i still hav Allah... =) i juz hope i wont lose myself...

Berhenti Berharap
by Sheila On 7

aku tak percaya lagi
dengan apa yang kau beri
aku terdampar di sini
tersudut menunggu mati

aku tak percaya lagi
akan guna matahari
dengan mampu menerangi
sudut gelap hati ini

aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta kudapat

kenapa ada derita
bila bahagia tercipta
kenapa ada sang hitam
bila putih menyenangkan...

Chorus:
aku pulang...
tanpa dendam
kuterima.. kekalahanku

aku pulang...
tanpa dendam
kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

bridge:
kau ajarkan aku bahagia
kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia
kau berikan aku derita

aSsaLamUaLaiKum....

haiz... e reason y i post up tis song lyrics is well... i guess this is how i feel... mayb... or can juz for fun la... well.... hmm... i juz kinda reli realise that well... im BUSY~!!!!! ARGHHH!!!! juz found out yesterday actuali when i finally updated my organiser.... PROJECTS PROJECTS n moRe PROJECTS!!! but... im soooo tired to actuali do it ah.. haiz... well... now ah... i hope im back to project mode 2moro... haiz... then exams r comin in.... 18 days!!! oh MoN diEu!!! haha...

m damn tired now... damn sleepy... damn... aRGH!!!! i must not have feelings... NOT NOW!!! no more... haiz... CONCENTRATE!!! CONCENTRATE!!! but... haiz... why must i still have them... i gues e reasons is well... juz met him... send nazeem off to e airport wit saj n his frenz ah... haiz.... basically had fun... the guys were reli funny... firdauz, fauzi, arip n him... haha... well... finally get 2 talk 2 bob... haha... after all e talk abt him bein a counselor n all n also tat well... watevr la... haiz... i dunno wat im talkin abt now...

i reli think tat i might b breakin down... projects... skool... social life... family.... haiz... evrythin is goin wrong... nothin is right... what reli was e limit when my mum came home juz now with the electric bill... haiz... its like almost reachin $500 coz my dad didnt pay e last time also... haiz... e reason y i dun hav a house fon was bcoz my dad didnt pay e bill until it mounted up 2 almost a thousand... haiz... debts... DEBTS.... n more DEBTS!!! tis is also e reason y my family had to downgrade our flat... even downgradin, it is gettin worser... i juz cant c my mum sufferin anymore.... she has been workin from mornin till night... takin overtime juz 2 bear with the household stuff... my dad haiz... he nvr contribute anythin... he also havent been comin home... haiz... y y... i feel reli helpless now.... reli feel very sad... i dun mind abt e skool stuff n evrythin but wat i cant stand is 2 c my mum workin tirelessly day after day...

mayb tis feelin that im havin rite now is short-term... coz well... in e end... i will try 2 c e bright well at least some kind of positive side of it... haiz... thank god that im muslim... islam has help me thru lots... i tink if im not, i would hav committed suicide by now... but of coz i wont do it la... im proud to say tat i at least have iman n my religion left... tat i will nvr lose but keep it til i die... haiz... i dun mind sacrificing evrythin... i already hav sacrificed rock climbin though... im still feelin tat i reli reli reli do miss rock climbin n the climbers even though i guess well, they mayb hav a negative view abt me.... haiz...

seriously, i juz cant wait for skool 2 b over... then i will work... i hav 2 b independent financially... pay off my debts n i'll b happy... im juz lookin forward 2 e trip tat im goin 2 hav wit my cds... at least i will somehow relax for a while... get away from spore... though i wld reli wan 2 go 2 australia... haiz... i hope it can use edusave account wholely... hehe... well... i M still tryin 2 take all of this one at a time... somehow... haiz... tooo many things happen... juz cant keep track... n again, im not feelin well... as usual... haiz...

im goin 2 keep myself 2gether for the sake of my family... i hav 2 protect my family from harm... since im e eldest, i hav 2... i hav 2 get them out of watevr ditch we r in rite now... i juz hope tat my sisters realised tat they cld also help 2 contribute instead of thinkin abt themselves... haiz...

i dunno wat else 2 say anymore... juz tat mayb... well... i tink i hav 2 get back e way my life was... hav 2 forget evrythin... no ties.... no feelings... no nothin... i hav 2... tis is 2 keep me strong wit allah... coz, He's e only one who could help me thru tis... ok... i tink i reli need 2 sleep now...