assalamualaikum.

man.
i am tired. -_-'

my fingers are shivering now,
typing.
my head is spinning.

but.

i have to post up.
haha.

let me wrap up yesterday.
hmmm.

went to the khalifah talk in the morning at istiqamah with sarah and saqinah.
turns out quite a number of NI members coming.
cool. =D

quite a number of them there i know.
from saff. fmsa. np. nypms.
WHEEE~!!!!

the speaker is prof muhammad al-mahdi.
a convert professor who is ailing.
overall, it was a nice talk ahhh.

psychological stuff.
scientific.
cool.

but.

too many talk ahhh.
very tiring.
just sitting down.

sleeepy sehhh.

hmmm.
it ended around 6.

then we had a mini-meeting.
between NI.
about this saturday.

confirmed.
retreat is postponed to chinese new year.

then,
sarah and me was on our way to the meeting at marsiling cc.

haha.

funny thing was,
we went out of istiqamah around 7 and reached at 8.30
whereas,
remy whom went out around 8,
came at the same time as us.
hah.

well.
the thing is,
we took around 3 buses while remy took the train.
haha.

and.

we got lost.
haha.

long story. =p
[ sarah sarah. haha. ]

well.
the meeting was attended by some old people.
haha.
and the other leaders of the clubs.

nypms : remy.
rpmcg : liyana.
spmls : hidayat.
npmss : nizam.
nur ikhwan : me and sarah.

finally we went back around 10 plus.
damn tired sehh when finally get back home. =p

then today.

hmmm.
went to school around 2.
met up with the people who took away the stuff at admin block.
[ the main mussolah. ]

haiz.

really headache thinking about it.
tp sucks sehh.

the principal is soo arghhhh.
want to have a mussolah also very hard.
haiz.

for now,
the admin block cant be used.
unless we come out with an alternative.

for now,
the guys will continue praying there but use file or something.
whereas.
the girls can go to the ITAS blocks to pray.

thanks. =)

then me, fizah and sarah went to city hall.
have to meet up with bro shahrizal.
who is interested with the preg-talk.

basically me, fizah, imran, sarah and wani came down for the meeting.
it was ok.
found out that he was from npmss.
what a small world. -_-'

after that the four of us excluding imran,
went to komala to eat.
then we went to masjid maulana near singapore river.

cool sehh.
its underground. =D

met kak liejah and kak zakiah.
haha.
small world.

then at last me and sarah went to tampines mall.
to find a present for my sister.

the star and the moon.
fizah's analogy.

its still in my head.

she had mentioned it to me just now.
again.

and again,
i thought about it.

but.

its more stronger.
the thoughts.
it actually pulls something in my heart.

i dont know.

theres 3 more days to 2006.
maybe.
just maybe.

i might let myself care again.
for someone.

but.

the fear is there.
still.

as nizam had said,
love a guy who loves you more.

i am not even sure whether that guy likes me.
it might not be mutual.
but.

argh.

not going to hope.
thats one thing that i've learnt during my past relationship.

not to hope.

and thus,
i am not.

though.

haiz.

let time and fate tells its tale.
insyaallah.

there might be a possibility.

assalamualaikum.

here i am again.

posting.
unusual.
heh.

it has been one of a day.
haiz.

christmas.
hah.

even though i dont celebrate it,
this day has some significance to me.

last year.

remembered being with my frenz.
studying and finishing up my nmm.
using aisha's laptop at the airport.

remembered that i waited 4 hours for him to finish work.

yes.
i was happy.
in a delusional way.
normal for a girl who thought she had someone.

spent last christmas with him.
eating the ferroro rochers that his manager gave him.
bliss.
hah.

the first step to a relationship that was supposed to be never be.

for my heart was to another.
though that is another story.

this christmas.

woke up in the morning.
was late meeting up my grandmother to go for a wedding.

my sisters wore 'normal' clothes.
whereas i wore the 'baju kurung'.

as usual,
they were on my nerves.

my auntie straight away came to me,
whispering,
why the heck is my sisters wearing those kind of clothes to a wedding.

i of course,
cant be bothered anymore.
my words fell on deaf ears.

haiz.

it wasnt appropriate
but.
its not like as if my sisters cared.

i stuck out like a sore thumb.

thank god for my grandmother.
i helped her walk.
as usual.

i love my grandmother dearly.
if it wasnt for her,
i would have bashed up my sisters.
[ cedebahh. haha. like real. =p ]

i kept quiet.

then we were off to hougang for to my grand-uncle pedro and grand-auntie andrea's house.
grand-auntie andrea is my grandmother's only sister left in singapore.
it was christmas time.

coming in the house,
crosses are all over the place.
a christmas tree located near the kitchen entrance.
oh.

for they were my family,
i kept a blind-eye to it.

throughout the conversation,
[ there was a bit of silence here and there. ]
i kept quiet.

just listening to what was being said.

it was really interesting.
got to know they were roman-catholic.
my grandmother's another sister [ different father]
was in philippines.

and more stuff about them.

told my eldest cousin.
that we should do up a family tree.

seems that we are going to lose our only links to our roots.
cause most of them are getting older.

its weird that we,
the 3rd generation here in singapore,
are losing our roots.

dont even know the languages.

like visaya' [ i tink thats how its spelled. ]
which is the language my grandmother spoke and forgotten. -_-'
the 'minang kabau' language.

sheeshh.

well.
then we ate macdonalds.
haha.

dont have turkey larrrr. =p
[ thought that christmas have that is ittt. haha. ]

it was ok i guess.
oh ya.
and i was kissed on the forehead by grand-uncle pedro.
OoooH.

a first.
haha.
from an old man.

it was quite nice actuali.
feels, you are being cared.

i guess thats how it would feel if both my grandfathers were still alive.
haiz.

went to another wedding after that at ang mo kio.
my cousin's mother's brother who weds this woman that has married 3 times. -_-'
aiyahhh.

well.
on the way there.

haiz.

my sister tested my patience again.

i was really trying hard to keep myself in control.
but.

i burst out.
only a bit.
in front of them.

i couldnt help it.
i really felt like slapping her actuali.
thank goodness we were in public and my cousins are also there.

i cried.
again.

but not in front of them.

i was tired.
too tired to handle this things.

wanted to go home but.
my grandmother asked to stay put.
haiz.

i went.

after that,
wasnt in a good mood.
sullen.

i didnt even talk with my cousins.

there was this 'makcik' who kept saying that my sisters are pretty and all.
then she came to me.

telling me that im not fair as my sisters.
saying that im 'hitam hitam manis' somemore. -_-'
man.
i became sarcastic to her.

is she blind????

haiz.
not that im trying to look at skins here,
just that,
please ahh.

have a heart.

i know what i am.
i know how i look like.
i know i cant be compared to my sisters in the looks department.

i am trying to be patient.
cause thats all i have.

i dont have words.
i dont have the heart to strike anyone.
but all i have is.

patience. =)

the challenges that i am facing now,
insyaallah.

i will prevail for,

" Strengthen yourselves with patient prayer. God is close to those who are patient. Those who have died in God's cause, are not dead; they are alive, even though you cannot see them."

-Qur'an, Al-Baqara, Surah 2:153

He is there.
He will always be there.
my friend, my family, my companion, my listener, my love
and
my God.

that is Allah. =)

i guess that would be all.
hopefully my uncle will be fully recovered soon.
after almost 3 months staying in the hospital.
insyaallah.

going for khalifah at istiqamah tomorrow morning.
maybe then to the meeting.
insyaallah.

assalamualaikum.

cant sleep.
havent been sleeping well this days.

its 4 plus in the morning and im still not asleep yet.
this cant continue.
though i am really tired.
i have been like this for the past 5 days.
waking up in the morning too the next day.

haiz.

read through my past entries.

deleted the entries about love and stuff when the time i was attached.
and was still in delusion of love.
bah humbug.

well.

my patience was tested.
[ well, always. ]
by my sister.
always.

i always have the vision of taking her by the neck and hitting her head on the wall.
hard.
just to keep her mouth shut.
heh.

but.
i managed to restrain myself.
though i was really near bursting out of anger.

she was basically egging me on.
talking her usual crap.
dont want to lose.

i couldnt let her win.
i kept quiet.

inside,
it was like boiling magma just waiting to get out.

i shut my eyes.
' astaghfirullah ' was repeatly uttered.
better that than the vulgarities that were waiting to come out of my mouth.
[ though some managed to come out. =p ]

tears started to well up.
[ its normal nowadays for me to do that. ]

i couldnt cry.

not in front of my sisters.
no siireeee.

haiz.

this always happens.
i just wonder,
wont it better if im just not here.

being here,
is actually doubling up my sins.
of feeling angry, hatred, helplessness all at the same time.

i hate what i feel.
i hate what was being said.

haiz.

im supposed to be the eldest.
im trying hard to set an example.
but.

im not perfect myself.

just now went out with sarah and saqinah to tamp.
went around.
it was christmas eve.
lots of people.

at last,
i joined saqinah with her family.
ate rojak.

was really fun.

havent felt that kind of togetherness for a long time.
in my family.

felt a lick of envy.
but hey.
i couldnt be selfish.
was really happy that saqinah had a nice family.

alhamdulillah. =)

i missed my family being together.

sometimes,
[ well, most of the time. ]
i felt like as if i dont know where i belong.

even in my family.

i am the odd one.

whatever it is,
i have always doa to Him.

for my parents and my sisters to be happy.
and.
to the Straight Path.

i've tried to be strong.
for everyone.
my family. friends. organisations. Him.
and myself.

but i know.
somehow, someday,
that act will slip up.

i dont know how long i can be strong.

i may fade away.
sooner or later.

im sorry.
even though i have tons of friends,
all over singapore or overseas,
i still feel lonely.

there are those whom said that whatever and whenever i need a friend,
i could call them.

well.
i really appreciate the offer.
but.

i cant.

i cant bring myself to burden people with my petty problems.
because, its just petty.
i have to go through it.
unless someone really sincerely asked me.

haiz.

its the same old thing.
being said over and over again.

i find peace with Him.
His creations.

the sky above me.
the people around me.
their smiles,
brought a smile to mine.

their happiness,
brings me happiness too.

i wouldnt dare to be happy.
if someone else isnt.
i couldnt.

let me be the one who suffers.
not anyone else.
please.

here i am.
rambling again.

well.
i have to end here.

i guess not going to sleep.
pray subuh and....
watch tv maybe.

following my grandmother to visit my grand-uncle for christmas.
ho ho ho. -_-'

thats all for now.
insyaallah.

assalamualaikum.

haiz.
now this is a record. somehow.
twice in a week i blogged.

well.
just that im supposed to do my sands but.
after the conference call with saqinah, asrul and sarah, i felt.

well.
i felt kinda restless.

read through my past entries.
haiz.
the past few days, well. i guess im still thinking about the star and the moon.
fizah's analogy about it.

it somehow well, kinda reflects my current situation [ i think ]
and also, reminding me of those times that i looked at the stars with him.
haiz.

maybe i am feeling a bit jiwang now.
plus, im stressed about skool work, my organisations, my so-called non-existing love life, friends, family and the decision to go for osip at shanghai for 4 months.
haiz.

remembering back what asrul had said that i am not 'laku'.
well.
it kinda hit straight to the point.
haha.
i noe that i am not.

thats why i guess, in a way, i am feeling this way.
remembering back how happy and blissed i was when i had another.
i shared lots of the nicest moments in my life with him.
and also the most painful.

my birthday.
hah.
i dont know how to face it next year.
when the memory still lingers of how he was the first to sing me a birthday song.
and that he was with me when the clock strikes twelve. =)
it was one of the things that i cherished.

there was a reason why i had been 'hit' twice straight to the heart this year.
though im not counting to be 'hit' thrice [ somehow it may seems but, nahh. ]
im trying to forget about all this.

maybe.
maybe i should stop talking about him.
but.
haiz. how could i not.

he was my first and only.
whenever i might be feeling 'jiwang' [ which i have succeeded in not doing that but there are some times. ]
i will be thinking about the times that we had together.
haiz.

bad habit of mine.

one bad thing that come out of this it that,
well.
i dont know.
i dont have the confidence to have another boyfriend.

somehow, it became a phobia.
cause i couldnt stand the 'heartbreak'.
im only just 18 anyway.
19 in 2 months time.

should enjoy life with friends right.
haha. thats what azmi has been always telling me to.
thats why nowadays im 'throwing' myself in nur ikhwan.
spending more time with sarah and saqinah.
it helps me.
somehow in a way. =)

but.

something might be happening.

maybe its just me.
nonetheless, it might be happening.
i am not counting on it though.

i dont want to be hopeful.
hopeful that a guy could actuali understand me and accept.
cause it isnt easy to do that.

i dont dare to 'fight' back.
i rather hurt myself than hurting others.
thus, some people say im 'being stepped on'.
haiz.

i miss my friends.
i really do.
all 9 of them.

i think that might be all for now.
still have to wake up tomorrow morning for meeting.
haiz.

may allah bless you guys.
whoever actuali come and read my blog.
heh.