Monster War.

aSsaLaMuaLaiKum....

haiz... now well... haiz... i can only sigh as much... dunno wat else to feel... so many emotions goin thru me but... i hold it all back and juz well, be tis way... sighin the whole time... felt so angry yesterday nite when i came home... coz, as usual my dad didnt come home but a LONG TIME bill was on the table. it was from Singtel but then it was posted usin the lawyers name. wat i mean is that Singtel would try n do somethin legal against us... ie. go to court... haiz...

all day long i have been tryin 2 put up at least a brave front to everyone. tried to concentrate on my studies. tried to forget abt e problems n everythin. well, i had succeeded... kinda... but in the end unfortunately, the 'emotion' came out at e end of e day. luckily i didnt hang out wit any of my frenz 2day... coz they were all bz... haiz... i dun blame them. who can i call... who can i tell... who can understand... i feel guilty to tell pple abt my problems coz its a burden... n well, i tried tellin some of my frenz but... well the response i get was tat they noe wat i feel... tat they r goin thru e same thin or somethin like tat n somehow, i feel tat my problems r not relevant anymore n i stop tellin n juz listen to theirs... however, i reli feel tat somehow, things are getting worser in my life. im bein tested i guess by Allah... haiz...

sometimes i feel like cryin... sometimes i feel nothing... sometimes, i juz feel... tat im useless n worthless... haiz... e signs of depression huh... =p but mostly, i juz feel... tawar hati... dunno how 2 describe it in english but i can only describe in malay... haiz... like the feel that my heart feels nothing... tat i understand evrythin tat is goin on... its like a war inside me... tug of war more likely... to b sad or not... to b happy or not... to b angry or not... until i dunno wat else to feel...

i m tryin 2 b strong... tryin reli hard... i reli thank Allah for the strength that He hav given me... i gues, i juz wan some1 2 listen without justifyin wat i say... coz, i noe... juz wan 2 get out all e negativity n mayb somehow a little sympathy might b ok... only 4 a little while... i cant ask... i dunno y... whenevr i hav problems, i dunno who to turn to except for Allah... though it wld b nice to have some1 to turn to but, i guess im not tat lucky...

i tink tats all i can say for now... i juz hope that i cld go thru tis... go back to my life... take control of e situation... but somehow... it feels sad to b alone... oh well... i gues tats fine... i still hav Allah... =) i juz hope i wont lose myself...