assalamualaikum.

haiz.
now this is a record. somehow.
twice in a week i blogged.

well.
just that im supposed to do my sands but.
after the conference call with saqinah, asrul and sarah, i felt.

well.
i felt kinda restless.

read through my past entries.
haiz.
the past few days, well. i guess im still thinking about the star and the moon.
fizah's analogy about it.

it somehow well, kinda reflects my current situation [ i think ]
and also, reminding me of those times that i looked at the stars with him.
haiz.

maybe i am feeling a bit jiwang now.
plus, im stressed about skool work, my organisations, my so-called non-existing love life, friends, family and the decision to go for osip at shanghai for 4 months.
haiz.

remembering back what asrul had said that i am not 'laku'.
well.
it kinda hit straight to the point.
haha.
i noe that i am not.

thats why i guess, in a way, i am feeling this way.
remembering back how happy and blissed i was when i had another.
i shared lots of the nicest moments in my life with him.
and also the most painful.

my birthday.
hah.
i dont know how to face it next year.
when the memory still lingers of how he was the first to sing me a birthday song.
and that he was with me when the clock strikes twelve. =)
it was one of the things that i cherished.

there was a reason why i had been 'hit' twice straight to the heart this year.
though im not counting to be 'hit' thrice [ somehow it may seems but, nahh. ]
im trying to forget about all this.

maybe.
maybe i should stop talking about him.
but.
haiz. how could i not.

he was my first and only.
whenever i might be feeling 'jiwang' [ which i have succeeded in not doing that but there are some times. ]
i will be thinking about the times that we had together.
haiz.

bad habit of mine.

one bad thing that come out of this it that,
well.
i dont know.
i dont have the confidence to have another boyfriend.

somehow, it became a phobia.
cause i couldnt stand the 'heartbreak'.
im only just 18 anyway.
19 in 2 months time.

should enjoy life with friends right.
haha. thats what azmi has been always telling me to.
thats why nowadays im 'throwing' myself in nur ikhwan.
spending more time with sarah and saqinah.
it helps me.
somehow in a way. =)

but.

something might be happening.

maybe its just me.
nonetheless, it might be happening.
i am not counting on it though.

i dont want to be hopeful.
hopeful that a guy could actuali understand me and accept.
cause it isnt easy to do that.

i dont dare to 'fight' back.
i rather hurt myself than hurting others.
thus, some people say im 'being stepped on'.
haiz.

i miss my friends.
i really do.
all 9 of them.

i think that might be all for now.
still have to wake up tomorrow morning for meeting.
haiz.

may allah bless you guys.
whoever actuali come and read my blog.
heh.