assalamualaikum.

cant sleep.
havent been sleeping well this days.

its 4 plus in the morning and im still not asleep yet.
this cant continue.
though i am really tired.
i have been like this for the past 5 days.
waking up in the morning too the next day.

haiz.

read through my past entries.

deleted the entries about love and stuff when the time i was attached.
and was still in delusion of love.
bah humbug.

well.

my patience was tested.
[ well, always. ]
by my sister.
always.

i always have the vision of taking her by the neck and hitting her head on the wall.
hard.
just to keep her mouth shut.
heh.

but.
i managed to restrain myself.
though i was really near bursting out of anger.

she was basically egging me on.
talking her usual crap.
dont want to lose.

i couldnt let her win.
i kept quiet.

inside,
it was like boiling magma just waiting to get out.

i shut my eyes.
' astaghfirullah ' was repeatly uttered.
better that than the vulgarities that were waiting to come out of my mouth.
[ though some managed to come out. =p ]

tears started to well up.
[ its normal nowadays for me to do that. ]

i couldnt cry.

not in front of my sisters.
no siireeee.

haiz.

this always happens.
i just wonder,
wont it better if im just not here.

being here,
is actually doubling up my sins.
of feeling angry, hatred, helplessness all at the same time.

i hate what i feel.
i hate what was being said.

haiz.

im supposed to be the eldest.
im trying hard to set an example.
but.

im not perfect myself.

just now went out with sarah and saqinah to tamp.
went around.
it was christmas eve.
lots of people.

at last,
i joined saqinah with her family.
ate rojak.

was really fun.

havent felt that kind of togetherness for a long time.
in my family.

felt a lick of envy.
but hey.
i couldnt be selfish.
was really happy that saqinah had a nice family.

alhamdulillah. =)

i missed my family being together.

sometimes,
[ well, most of the time. ]
i felt like as if i dont know where i belong.

even in my family.

i am the odd one.

whatever it is,
i have always doa to Him.

for my parents and my sisters to be happy.
and.
to the Straight Path.

i've tried to be strong.
for everyone.
my family. friends. organisations. Him.
and myself.

but i know.
somehow, someday,
that act will slip up.

i dont know how long i can be strong.

i may fade away.
sooner or later.

im sorry.
even though i have tons of friends,
all over singapore or overseas,
i still feel lonely.

there are those whom said that whatever and whenever i need a friend,
i could call them.

well.
i really appreciate the offer.
but.

i cant.

i cant bring myself to burden people with my petty problems.
because, its just petty.
i have to go through it.
unless someone really sincerely asked me.

haiz.

its the same old thing.
being said over and over again.

i find peace with Him.
His creations.

the sky above me.
the people around me.
their smiles,
brought a smile to mine.

their happiness,
brings me happiness too.

i wouldnt dare to be happy.
if someone else isnt.
i couldnt.

let me be the one who suffers.
not anyone else.
please.

here i am.
rambling again.

well.
i have to end here.

i guess not going to sleep.
pray subuh and....
watch tv maybe.

following my grandmother to visit my grand-uncle for christmas.
ho ho ho. -_-'

thats all for now.
insyaallah.