assalamualaikum.

gosh.
im in shock. -_-'

you have no idea how shock i am.
my jaw is still wide open,
and i didnt realise it.

oh my goodness.

i didnt know that such things still happens in this time.
matchmaking???
sheesshh.

i have heard of girls being matchmake
but GUYS???
man.

i dont even know what to say.

luckily it was on msn.
for i think if its on the phone,
i would have had my jaw dropped to the ground
and there would be a very long silence.

of shock. -_-'

he is getting engaged soon.
and i mean REAL soon.

wow. =O

i am sorry but,
its like real fast.

i remembered knowing him in secondary school.
my infatuation for him was so obvious,
that it didnt even work out in the end.
except that i know that he knows,
and didnt do anything about it.
hah. -_-'

today is just tooo....

i dont know.
i cant,
i feel like i cant handle it.

i really feel like going to the beach.
just to relax myself.
be with my own thoughts,
with the wind blowing in my face.

the sky wide above me,
the water far in front of me,
feeling Him with me.

i spent my new year basically,
watching vcds.

woke up around twelve.
heard my mother's voice.
and all i can ask myself was,
whether am i dreaming.
for she should be at work.

went out with the anticipation that it was her day off.

but.
it wasnt.

just that shes going to work a bit later.

cant help feeling a bit disappointed.
for i missed her being at home.
i think my sisters do too.

we missed her cooking.
we missed eating at home.
having her around would make some difference at home.
all i know that me and my sisters missed being a complete family.

it really has been a long time.

i am just sad that,
i am helpless.
useless.
to make things right.

while my sisters were sleeping,
i watched ' kaal ho naa ho'.
and 'kuch kuch hota hai'.

i have decided,
to close my heart.
for that someone.

its just stupid to hope for something impossible.

for i wouldnt accept myself to be happy,
till my family is.
especially my sisters.

i hate being selfish.
i hate being angry and having to feel sad after.
i hate being helpless.

let others be happy but not me.

for i am afraid.
of things to come.

i accept death.
i welcome it.
for i know,
i felt since young,
that i never did belong.

i am not feeling sorry for myself,
for that,
i have outdone myself.

its a fact.
and only He knows how i feel.

i want to see my sisters being married of with good husbands,
whom could help them to the Straight path.
whom could open up their hearts to what is life.

i prayed for my father to repent and love my mother more.
for that, would make her very happy.
which i havent seen for so long.

truth be told,
i havent seen anyone in this house happy.

and now,
i might just have set aside a friend.
a good one.

for my own stupid reasons.

its hard to explain.
for it is just me.

i have live as long as i could remember being indebted to people.
and i dont want to feel more indebted to others.

i cant blame my father for it.

but however,
for that reason alone,
i had initiate misunderstandings.

i have been independent.
for as long as i could remember.
for i have to.

life is about choice.
someone told me that.

well.
my choice now is to make others happy.
though im really useless in doing that,
but i still pray.

to Him.
always.

haiz.

dont worry guys.
im not depressed or whatsoever.

i think for now,
i got nothing else to say.
except that,

the star and the moon.
fizah's analogy.

well.
i had enough of it.

as i've said,
its a waste of time to hope for the impossible.
and that is for someone to really love me.
hah.

im speaking this from experience.
heh.

i am going to get rid of this notion of wanting to fall in love.
for even though i do want it,
i cant.

i find joy in seeing couples happy.

maybe i should just be a matchmaker.
haha.

that is all.
insyaallah other time.